I have always enjoyed blogging. I've had boring blogs about my personal life through high school and college, blogs about teaching, and a less glamorous one about loss. My biggest struggle with blogging has been that I am an eclectic person. If I were to ever create a blog that was helpful to anyone other than myself I would have to pick a subject and stick to it. That just doesn't work for me--I tend to dabble in everything. One year ago I was taking a casual online course on creating a decor Instagram feed (my husband and I own a small decor boutique) but in the past few months I've been bouncing between motherhood and teaching. As always, I can't pick a lane.
I can't explain when fitting in a box became the goal. I think I just needed my thing as a person and the reality is that I don't have a box. Once I let go of that idea of the having a perfect little theme to my life the real idea occurred to me. I am a teacher. I am a mother. I am a person of my own, too. This is the life I should talk about. This is area I need to reflect on and others might need a community for as well. This is it. This is my most authentic endeavor. Maybe...
Then this morning I am attempting to work--because as a teacher (and other professions, just speaking to what I know here), you always take your work home. My toddler needed some serious mommy time. He's been acting out a bit, he was over-tired and quick to tears and finally sat beside me and hugged my arm. Okay. I can work one handed.
Then the baby got fussy. Nothing was helping that because I am not his father..baby guy plays favorites. I put him on my other side and attempted to sooth him. Picked him up and attempted to sooth him. (This list could go on for days). Eventually when nothing was working I sat him down beside me again.
Here I was with one child hugging my arm, another crying and kicking beside me, and my laptop in my lap...waiting for me to get somethings done AKA pour more of myself into other tiny humans.
You guys I was empty. I had nothing to give anyone. Hot tears came and did not stop...in fact they are creeping back as I type. My husband found us there. The toddler complaining about the show that was on, the baby kicking and crying, and me in a total state of sensory overload with tears and mascara running down my face.
I don't share this for sympathy or attention. I share this so you know that I see you teacher-mommas. Pouring your everything into tiny humans whether they are yours or not. We have to find a balance.
In the car I was thinking about how I planned to write my first blog post today and I couldn't. I would be a complete fraud. I can't write a blog on being a mom...I am not the exemplar. With time I realized that was exactly why I needed to do it. I need something that is mine. Something to do for my own soul and this feels like it. I also believe that someone somewhere needs to put something real out there. I am not the perfect female, perfect mom, or perfect teacher you will find on other platforms (shout out to you ladies...because goals!), but I am real and I hope this journal/blog helps others, including myself, see that nothing has to be perfect to be beautiful.
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Here you will find my ramblings of motherhood, teaching, & life while like many I try to balance it all.
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